Category: Humor

Plastic Surgery Miracles

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. 

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

BUSINESS

The alumni of Eastman College gave their annual banquet, March 30, 1901, at the Y. M. C. A. Building. Mr. James G. Cannon, of the Fourth National Bank, made the first speech of the evening, after which Mr. Clemens was introduced by Mr. Bailey as the personal friend of Tom Sawyer, who was one of the types of successful business men.

MR. CANNON has furnished me with texts enough to last as slow a speakeras myself all the rest of the night.  I took exception to the introducing of Mr. Cannon as a great financier, as if he were the only great financier present.  I am a financier.  But my methods are not the same as Mr. Cannon's.
Continue reading Mark Twain – BUSINESS

On December 18, 1905, an entertainment was given at the Casino for the benefit of the Russian sufferers.  After the performance Mr. Clemens spoke.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,–It seems a sort of cruelty to inflict upon an audience like this our rude English tongue, after we have heard that divine speech flowing in that lucid Gallic tongue.

It has always been a marvel to me–that French language; it has always been a puzzle to me.  How beautiful that language is.  How expressive it seems to be.  How full of grace it is.  Continue reading Mark Twain – RUSSIAN SUFFERERS